Monday, 20 May 2013
everyone who knows is calling me a fool, everyone remembers the way I used to whine about wanting a boy even though all I wanted was someone to be physically there all the time. They call me a fool because when I finally got what I've been asking for all this time, I'm throwing it away. I won't deny that I'm a fool. I am a fool, but I know I wouldn't be able to have it any other way.
When I think about it & I start to regret my choices, I remember the time two and a half months ago when the other guy confessed back to me. When he told me that I'd been on his mind for the last month since we first made out & that he liked me back, I remember not being able to stop grinning for the entire 10 minute walk between my two research buildings. I pull the feelings I felt at that time to remind myself that this new "thing" i had, would never have worked out. I was happy when he confessed, but with this, I was content.
I enjoyed being able to see this guy every day, to be with him, to laugh, to talk, to stay up. But I would survive without. When I found out he liked me back, I wasn't grinning, I was scared that I would hurt him. And though things managed to work out the way they did, I'm back to square one, being scared that this friendship we're trying to hold together might not work out. That it might revert back to what we had before, or it might revert back to when we never even knew each other. I think about the feeling of peace I had, & dream that one day I'll see that it's enough.
But right now, let me play the fool. The fool that believes loving with the mind is never enough, the fool that will never be able to just purely love with her heart.
Men find themselves perfect, women find themselves to be failures. For the me who hates prideful & arrogant people, for the him who tried so hard to show me I was perfect. It's a little hard to destroy stereotypes.
Thursday, 16 May 2013
Have you ever heard my theory on the two extremes of how we love?
You love with your mind/brain or you love with you heart. When you love with your mind, you love someone because it's logical to. Because you have things in common, or they qualify for everything you've ever wanted in a significant other. Maybe he's honest, or funny, or cute, or intelligent. He's everything you've ever wanted in a guy, and you two are compatible like no other. Matching lunch times, or schedules that have coinciding blocks of free time. Maybe you guys like the same tv shows. Or maybe he's everything you lack and complements you perfectly. Either way, it just makes sense to be together.
And when you love with your heart, you would be with him against all odds. If he's busy as hell, with no time for friends, or family, let alone a girlfriend, you'd still try. If he was involved in three organizations with an officer position in one, engineering/pre-med/architecture major or some other incredibly hard major... you'd still want to be with them. Or maybe your/his friends wouldn't approve of a relationship between you two. Or maybe the most you can get is secret hangouts & sleepovers. You'd take it, you'd take whatever you could get because being with for any amount of time is enough. Even if more time is spent wondering when the next time you're going to see him is, or wondering if he's even still interested, you'd rather spend time doing all that wondering instead of giving up. Or maybe you can't give you because ... well do you have any idea how hard it is to force your heart to let go? It's already not logical to want/like him, why do you think you'd listen to the logic of stopping.
When I say it this way, it sounds like loving with your mind is so much better than loving with your heart. But here's the catch: Loving with your mind will only make you content, comfortable with the way thing are. But loving with your heart? Loving with your heart can make you happy. Happy to see him when you can, happy enough that it's worth the tears & waiting & potential dramatic explosions. And come on, who wouldn't want happiness?
I risked so much for the one I wanted with my heart, but here I am with a guy my mind is begging for & I refuse to sacrifice anything.
Everyone thinks that I won't regret it, which is mostly true. &Everyone thinks I'm just being a selfish bitch, taking what I can, which is 100% true. Last part? Everyone thinks I won't get hurt cause I'm supposedly the one calling the shots, which I am. But you know what? He's not the only one who's gonna spend some time reminiscing, &if he cries, he won't be the only one for that either. Because I was comfortable with what I had, & that's saying a lot, because when am I ever content with the way things are going in life. If I can never successfully go after what my heart wants, then the best I will ever be able to be is content.
We always seem to believe that the climb to the top is worth it, even if it makes the fall so much harder.
I guess we'll see.
Tuesday, 09 April 2013
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to lose anyone. But I'd rather hurt them than lead anyone on.
But he, he doesn't want to hurt anyone so he'll be vague. Accidentally lead people on & watch them get hurt in the end anyways. I wonder if he knows pushing back when the pain hits doesn't make the pain hurt any less, probably more, if anything. Never lie to me again, lying by omission counts, because nothing you did hurt me until I heard that. The perfectly horrible timing & just exactly what I heard, how I heard it. I would have puked everything out if I could at that moment. Have you ever been hurt like that before?
They say that when I'm drunk I spend half my time clinging on & the other half slapping them away, like I can't decide if I want them near me or not. Sometimes I cry that I don't want them to hate me because they've seen me vulnerable & drunk & weak. Or sometimes I'm scared of what I'll do or say so I run away. Because I always have so many things running through my head - threatening someone to never hurt my friend, telling someone I'm not over him, telling someone else I don't like him back, screaming at someone that he only cares about me when I'm drunk.
It's funny how much my heart can trust someone even when my mind is doing everything to keep my mouth shut.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
A dream I had a couple nights ago:
The town is out on the field, &someone set a spell to find the criminal who killed someone important. But for some reason the spell was set to find the person who didn't have a significant other, or a thing, or any sort of romantic/physical/emotional relationship with another who wasn't just a friend. Which was me, &weird thing was, it was a friend of mine who set the spell. I was standing next to her & yelling, "It's going to point to me! I'm the only one without someone!" It was true, almost everyone in the town had someone, a fuck buddy, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a thing, or something except me. So before the spell could finish & point out the culprit, I started running towards the forest. A forest that no one knows how to navigate & one that people rarely come back out of it in one piece or sane of mind. My legs were faltering halfway through the field that I had to crawl the last hundred or so meters. Getting into the forest, I could run again & there were ropes everywhere, forming square grids. Thinking they would set off some trigger or give away my location, I kept stepping/jumping over them, trying to find a place to hide. Eventually I came upon a brick fireplace just sitting in the middle of a bunch of trees & an old man sitting calmly in front of it, smoking a pipe. "Do you need help?" I was stumbling & telling him I needed to get away from the town that was going to find me & kill me. He told me that I had to climb up to the top of the fireplace to save myself. As I started climbing, the old man set fire to the ropes & I screamed that they were going to find me this way. He said those ropes were the town's way of finding their way through the forest. Right when I got over the base of the fireplace, my best friend & his general caught up to me. We had recently got into a fight & he started shooting at me. I didn't even bother telling him to stop & started throwing loose bricks down to combat the bullets, idk but it worked. As I'm getting higher, pictures start falling out of the cracks between bricks. I get into some foothold and start grabbing some - they're pictures of my best friend & I, starting from pictures of us taken recently, some so adorably candid. As I get higher, the pictures are older until they date back to years ago when we first met. I'm yelling down at him, telling him to look at them. I get to the very top & there's a candid picture of the first time we met, all those years ago before we were even teens and there's a panorama picture of our whole group of friends from high school. I throw the picture down at him, telling him to look at it. "We used to be best friends, we used to be so happy, why are you trying to kill me?!" At the very top, I see booklets. Scanning through them, they're diaries or compilations of blog entries, written about the fun times we had. I throw them down as I'm reading them, asking him, pleading with him to remember that we used to be best friends. We promised each other so many things & here we are trying to kill each other. Well, I'm just trying to defend myself. I see him hesitate, but his general looks at him &commands him to shoot. I'm standing at the top of the fireplace, I'm crying. I'm crying because my best friend is trying to kill me, I'm crying because my entire town has marked me for death. I'm crying & I don't care anymore if I get shot, because it's my best friend.
I wake up with tears in my eyes.
There's a reason why I don't like going to sleep all stressed.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
girls often say that hooking up with someone you're interested in is much better than some one-night stand. But I've always preferred strangers or boys I hardly know over a guy I was actually interested in. Because with an acquaintance, I could care less if you think i'm attractive or if I'm any good at what I'm doing, or if my clothes are appealing or whatever. Because I'm not interested in seeing you again, and even if i do, i won't care then either. I won't hesitate to tell you whatever you're doing doesn't feel good or right, and I won't feel a crushing need to make you feel good either.
But when it's a guy I like, I get scared. It's hard for me to even take off my shirt because I'm scared he'll think im fat or ugly or whatever other 928372 insecurities girls have about themselves. I'm scared you're not as into it as I am, or I'm scared what I'm doing isn't right. I'm scared of letting you see parts of me because I think i'm hideous or whatever. So I act like a shy little girl - following your lead & trying to do what I think is right. And it probably backfires, you probably think i'm some limp fish who has no idea what she's doing or isn't into it. I'm just scared. It's complicated.
So curbing my urge to lean towards acquaintances is a bit frustrating when it's easier to go with people I don't care about.
Also the fact that I haven't really seen you for over a week is frustrating too, but that's another topic for discussion.