Have you ever heard my theory on the two extremes of how we love?

You love with your mind/brain or you love with you heart. When you love with your mind, you love someone because it's logical to. Because you have things in common, or they qualify for everything you've ever wanted in a significant other. Maybe he's honest, or funny, or cute, or intelligent. He's everything you've ever wanted in a guy, and you two are compatible like no other. Matching lunch times, or schedules that have coinciding blocks of free time. Maybe you guys like the same tv shows. Or maybe he's everything you lack and complements you perfectly. Either way, it just makes sense to be together.

And when you love with your heart, you would be with him against all odds. If he's busy as hell, with no time for friends, or family, let alone a girlfriend, you'd still try. If he was involved in three organizations with an officer position in one, engineering/pre-med/architecture major or some other incredibly hard major... you'd still want to be with them. Or maybe your/his friends wouldn't approve of a relationship between you two. Or maybe the most you can get is secret hangouts & sleepovers. You'd take it, you'd take whatever you could get because being with for any amount of time is enough. Even if more time is spent wondering when the next time you're going to see him is, or wondering if he's even still interested, you'd rather spend time doing all that wondering instead of giving up. Or maybe you can't give you because ... well do you have any idea how hard it is to force your heart to let go? It's already not logical to want/like him, why do you think you'd listen to the logic of stopping. 

When I say it this way, it sounds like loving with your mind is so much better than loving with your heart. But here's the catch: Loving with your mind will only make you content, comfortable with the way thing are. But loving with your heart? Loving with your heart can make you happy. Happy to see him when you can, happy enough that it's worth the tears & waiting & potential dramatic explosions. And come on, who wouldn't want happiness? 

I risked so much for the one I wanted with my heart, but here I am with a guy my mind is begging for & I refuse to sacrifice anything. 

Everyone thinks that I won't regret it, which is mostly true. &Everyone thinks I'm just being a selfish bitch, taking what I can, which is 100% true. Last part? Everyone thinks I won't get hurt cause I'm supposedly the one calling the shots, which I am. But you know what? He's not the only one who's gonna spend some time reminiscing, &if he cries, he won't be the only one for that either. Because I was comfortable with what I had, & that's saying a lot, because when am I ever content with the way things are going in life. If I can never successfully go after what my heart wants, then the best I will ever be able to be is content. 

We always seem to believe that the climb to the top is worth it, even if it makes the fall so much harder.

I guess we'll see. 

-j.

A dream I had a couple nights ago:

The town is out on the field, &someone set a spell to find the criminal who killed someone important. But for some reason the spell was set to find the person who didn't have a significant other, or a thing, or any sort of romantic/physical/emotional relationship with another who wasn't just a friend. Which was me, &weird thing was, it was a friend of mine who set the spell. I was standing next to her & yelling, "It's going to point to me! I'm the only one without someone!" It was true, almost everyone in the town had someone, a fuck buddy, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a thing, or something except me. So before the spell could finish & point out the culprit, I started running towards the forest. A forest that no one knows how to navigate & one that people rarely come back out of it in one piece or sane of mind. My legs were faltering halfway through the field that I had to crawl the last hundred or so meters. Getting into the forest, I could run again & there were ropes everywhere, forming square grids. Thinking they would set off some trigger or give away my location, I kept stepping/jumping over them, trying to find a place to hide.  Eventually I came upon a brick fireplace just sitting in the middle of a bunch of trees & an old man sitting calmly in front of it, smoking a pipe. "Do you need help?" I was stumbling & telling him I needed to get away from the town that was going to find me & kill me. He told me that I had to climb up to the top of the fireplace to save myself. As I started climbing, the old man set fire to the ropes & I screamed that they were going to find me this way. He said those ropes were the town's way of finding their way through the forest. Right when I got over the base of the fireplace, my best friend & his general caught up to me. We had recently got into a fight & he started shooting at me. I didn't even bother telling him to stop & started throwing loose bricks down to combat the bullets, idk but it worked. As I'm getting higher, pictures start falling out of the cracks between bricks. I get into some foothold and start grabbing some - they're pictures of my best friend & I, starting from pictures of us taken recently, some so adorably candid. As I get higher, the pictures are older until they date back to years ago when we first met.  I'm yelling down at him, telling him to look at them. I get to the very top & there's a candid picture of the first time we met, all those years ago before we were even teens and there's a panorama picture of our whole group of friends from high school. I throw the picture down at him, telling him to look at it. "We used to be best friends, we used to be so happy, why are you trying to kill me?!" At the very top, I see booklets.  Scanning through them, they're diaries or compilations of blog entries, written about the fun times we had. I throw them down as I'm reading them, asking him, pleading with him to remember that we used to be best friends. We promised each other so many things & here we are trying to kill each other. Well, I'm just trying to defend myself. I see him hesitate, but his general looks at him &commands him to shoot. I'm standing at the top of the fireplace, I'm crying. I'm crying because my best friend is trying to kill me, I'm crying because my entire town has marked me for death. I'm crying & I don't care anymore if I get shot, because it's my best friend.

I wake up with tears in my eyes. 

There's a reason why I don't like going to sleep all stressed.

Justine